She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
