My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is Oprah even human
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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