I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
