Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
