people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
