you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
