if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
