If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
