you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Jerry, you need to find god
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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