If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
