Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
