i may or may not be watching the land before time
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize