based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
