He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
