I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
