did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
