yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
