I just pynch a tree in the face
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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