I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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