Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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