Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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