I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
