My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
