...so i touched it.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
