That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
