I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize