the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
