Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
