Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
