Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
