He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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