If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Is it penis luge time yet?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
