I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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