well I can't set my house on fire every night
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just pee around me
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
