so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
