I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
