sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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