You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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