the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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