Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
