Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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