5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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