So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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