I smell stomach acid.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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