I wish I could teleport
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
