I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
