A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
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