enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
