Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize