The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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