First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
