i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
