Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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