what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
