My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
