Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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