I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
