I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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