overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
