i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
