Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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