Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize