Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
