this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
