get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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